I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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