that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
