Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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