My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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