Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
