i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
