Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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