Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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