Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
