A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
