My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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