My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
