i can't believe i had my finger in that
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize