Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
