hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
