So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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