Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
