Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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