Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
