If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
