my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
