You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
