was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
