then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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