apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize