i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
