just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
