I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
