I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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