At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
