Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
