I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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