did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she told me i tasted like america
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
