Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
