Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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