You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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