My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
