I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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