Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
