I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
