I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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