my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
