I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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