so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
