today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
