I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize