I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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