Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
