she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
