I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
