oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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