Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
