Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize