If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
