Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
