Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
