On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
