Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
