If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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